


How to Fuck Up a Relationship With a Human in 10 Days

by Vena



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-22
Updated: 2012-06-22
Packaged: 2017-11-08 07:14:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vena/pseuds/Vena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when a troll is set out to show how NOT to be in a relationship with a human, while a human has to prove exactly HOW to be in a relationship with a troll? Especially if these two individuals meet? Based on the Matthew McConaughey film How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Fuck Up a Relationship With a Human in 10 Days

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Homestuck fic, and I'm completely nervous posting this, but I hope you all enjoy it!   
> (In case you were wondering, the rating is for a later chapter.)

_… I THOUGHT THIS ONE WOULD BE PRETTY PREDICTABLE, BUT IT TOOK A FEW MORE TURNS THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD. I’LL MENTION HERE THAT THE COUPLE’S CHEMISTRY WAS SOME OF THE BEST I’VE SEEN IN THIS TYPE OF CINEMA, AND THE INCLUSION OF THE LITTLE BOY THAT ACTUALLY WOUND UP GETTING THEM TO STAY TOGETHER WAS A WONDERFUL CONCLUSION. THOUGH THE FACT THAT LOPEZ’S FRIENDS DIDN’T SUPPORT HER, AND THERE WERE JUST TOO MANY BITCHY CHARACTERS SORT OF RUINED THE FEEL OF IT ALL. THOUGH IN THIS REVIEW I HAD A LOT OF COMPLAINTS, OVERALL I ACTUALLY THOUGHT THE MOVIE WAS RATHER ENJOYABLE AND WOULD DEFINITELY RECOMMEND WATCHING IT. THERE WERE SO MANY FUNNY PARTS THAT MY WORDS COULD DO THEM NO JUSTICE. MAID IN MANHATTAN IS A MUST-SEE FOR SURE._

 

 

                “Lookin’ good, my invertebrother. This is one fine motherfuckin’ article you done wrote up!” The inkling of an expression that could possibly be deemed as a small smile if you squinted really hard began to appear on the journalist’s face before being quickly molded into a grumpy scowl as his friend continued, “But you know they ain’t never gonna publish this right?”

                “Yeah yeah, I know. Don’t remind me,” the other grumbled, fiddling with the name plaque on his desk, “I went to college for this shit, Gamzee. I have a _Master’s_ in journalism and all they have me writing is nothing but fucking mundane stories that people probably don’t even read. ‘ _How to: Remove Grubsauce from Fine Clothing’, ‘How to: Clip Coupons and Trim Pounds ’,_ and who could possibly forget _‘How to: Successfully Use Pick-up Lines’_? God, that last one was just complete and utter cholerbear vomit. That isn’t possible for anyone, human _or_ troll. Ugh, I was meant for better than this lusus shit.” He quit fussing with the plaque, slapping it back down in its former spot with a roll of his eyes. ‘Karkat Vantas’ was once again available for the world to see. “I wanted to review movies, Gamzee. Is that so much to ask? Is it?”

                “Keep your cartilage nub to the motherfucking grind, Karbro. I know it ain’t easy, but you’ll write whatever you want in no time,” Gamzee replied, giving him a quick pap. The other gave him a playful shove as he made his way back to his desk. “I know what will up and turn that frown all into motherfuckin’ smiles, bro. I got something here you been wanting.” Curious, Karkat swiveled his chair around, wheeling it across the small gap between their desks to see what the other troll was pulling out. An envelope? He made a grab for it but the other gave a chuckle as he held it just out of reach, waving it slightly. “Nah, now hold your motherfucking hoofbeasts. Gotta guess first!”

                Snorting, Karkat reared up and jumped, snatching the letter from his best friend’s outstretched hand. Good thing he’d been sitting, or he never would have reached. Reclaiming his seat and wheeling back to his own desk, he tore the envelope open carefully with his claws. His eyes shined and as he pulled out what appeared to be two tickets. “Holy frond tickling fuck! These are the tickets to that premier I’ve been waiting months for!” he cried out, a few heads turning to look at his outburst, “Yes, yes, yes! This was exactly what I needed! Looks like all of that shameless flirting with that troll working at the theater paid off! I have two tickets to the sneak peek! They’re showing this movie two whole months in advance!” he was practically dancing as he shot up out of his chair, though he made sure not to do more than give a slight wiggle of the hand holding the tickets out to the troll across the walk space from him. “Don’t plan anything tomorrow night; we’re going to this movie. You are going to fucking shit yourself with how fantastic it is going to be. It’ll be better for you than sitting your ass in your abominably shitty horn pile and downing bottle after bottle of that swill you call a caffeinated beverage anyways.”

                With a nod of approval from the juggalo, Karkat carefully shoved the tickets into the envelope again making sure it was in a memorable spot on his desk. Not that he could ever forget something so important. One of his coworkers decided now was the best moment to hover over, catching the attention of both trolls. “Just remember you two, there’s a staff meeting in half an hour!” she tittered, eyes motioning to the clock on the wall. With a clench of his teeth and a wave of the hand which all who worked with Karkat knew meant ‘Fuck off’, the woman quickly took her leave. After a slight pause and a glance at the empty desk near his, Karkat rubbed his temples in annoyance.

                “Okay, where the fuck is Eridan? He’s been missing all morning. He’s part of the staff too, that insufferable prick. He can’t miss this meeting if he wants to retain his career!” Karkat flashed a look at Gamzee, who seemed to be contemplating this.

                “Well bro, I bet he’s all up and getting his wicked cry on after what up and happened yesterday,” he replied after a moment, Karkat giving an annoyed groan at this.

                “Of course he is. I swear one of these days I am going to go shithive maggots on his backside if he doesn’t get his act together,” he hissed, making a gesture as Gamzee began to stand, “No, sit your ass back down. I’ll go get him. I’ll be sure to give him the most motivational pep talk in his life. He’ll be so damned peppy that his think pan will erupt with cheeriness. He’ll be a goddamned volcano of sunshine and sprinkles. Just… meet us with something to drink, okay? He’s probably going to need it. And don’t you dare think about getting us Faygo or so help me I will tear out your protein chute and skip rope with it, understand? ” And with that, he grabbed his precious envelope, shoving it into his bag as he exited the building to retrieve their dejected friend.

——————————————

Vroom, vroom!

Well, it almost sounded like the revving of a motorcycle. Maybe a really wimpy, sick, wheezing motorcycle. It was still a nice scooter though! It packed much more power than the average motorbike, that’s for sure. And he still had a motorcycle helmet! So. Cool. Way better then cars, too, which the man was currently weaving through as he spotted a great place to park. Definitely couldn’t fit a large motor vehicle in that spot. Motorbikes were better in every way, shape, and form, clearly. As he parked, he carefully whipped the helmet off in an attempt to look stylish, only succeeding in catching his glasses on it and knocking them to the asphalt below. Ah well. As he bent down to pick them up, he heard a familiar giggle behind him.

                “Hey, John! Nice entrance there,” a cheery voice called, and he gave a wave as he placed his rectangular frames back into place, adjusting them slightly.

                “Hey, Jade!” he called back, hopping off of his scooter, tucking his helmet under his arm as he gave a grin, “Of course, it went just as planned! I have the grace of a swan, the very _majesty_ of a bird in flight, I’m telling you!” he trotted over, ruffling his hair back into place as he noticed she was flipping through a magazine. “What’s this? Brushing up on…” he gave a sideways glance at the cover, chuckling, “new pick-up lines? This month’s hottest chick flicks? Omg! Or maybe even… the proper way to have sexy times????” Jade slapped him with the book before he could continue, both laughing as they approached their office building.

                “As much as I’m sure you’d like to read those articles yourself, I’m just doing research,” she explained, giving him another smack with it when he replied with a ‘Yeah right!’. “We’re doing an advertising spread for this magazine, so I needed to brush up on what its readers liked and what the other adverts looked like and stuff. It’s apparently the country’s fastest growing women’s magazine you know!” She nonchalantly thrust the trash into John’s open hand, giving a wink. “You should look into it too. And I know just how devastated you’d be if you weren’t able to know which movies to see this month.”

                “You know me too well! I better see if Magic Mike is the ‘to-see’ film of the summer!” he laughed, making a mental note to at least read through the pick-up lines later. Pick-up jokes were hilarious after all! “just kidding, of course!” They both laughed, but it secretly wasn’t much of a joke. John planned on seeing that movie anyways, though it was on the down-low. He couldn’t call himself a McConaughey fan if he didn’t go, right? Right. “Hey, you mentioned ‘we’? Does this mean I get to work with you on a big project for once?”

                “Unfortunately, no. It will be Jade and I working on this advertisement,” another voice chimed in, John turning to see a blonde girl hold open the door for John, “we were just departing for their firm, actually.” The man’s face fell for just a moment but he was all grins again a second later.

                “Oh right, of course it’s you, Rose! You two always get the big assignments, haha. Well, good luck anyways! Don’t let the crazy ladies fill your heads with which shoe brand is most popular, or get you to sample all their shitty perfume!” he took the door from his friend as she flashed him the smallest of smiles. “Seriously though, don’t come back here smelling all gross okay? I don’t want the office smelling like ‘Super Peachy Peach!’ or ‘Fruitastic Explosions!’ or something,” he made exaggerated arm gestures and vocal cues with each made up scent.

                “We’ll try out best. Though I might buy a bottle of ‘So Cucumber Melon You’ll Barf’ to stink up your office with just because you mentioned it, okay? Just for you!” Jade gave one last snicker as she and Rose walked off down the street, and John entered the building.

——————————————

                “Hey Kar,” there was a pathetic sniffle as the sea dweller answered his door, his eyes still brimming with tears. He gave a smile at Karkat before breaking down again, sobbing loudly as he took his glasses off so he could wipe at his eyes.

                “Come on, nooksniffer, time to go! We have a staff meeting in about fifteen minutes and if you’re not there you are totally fucked, okay?” Eridan only inhaled in response, making his way back to his recuperacoon, making like he was going to climb back inside. Karkat grabbed his arm, tugging him away with a fierce growl. “I g _et_ it, okay? So the human dumped you. You’re going to have to get over it, man! Gamzee and I can’t sit here and hold your fucking hands forever, got it? You are feeling bereaved, morose, forlorn, and maybe even despondent. I. _Get. It_. We can talk about it a _fter_ the meeting for all I care, but there is no way in hell I’m going to let you make me late! So get your ass dressed before I am forced to kick it down the street and back!” Eridan attempted freeing his arm, sighing sadly when his meager efforts couldn’t shake his assaulter.

                “Kar, ya just don’t get how-w melancholy and w-woebegone I am okay? I’m a fish outta w-water. Life’s not w-worth it w-without her, Kar. Just leawe me alone to rot,” he sobbed in response, earning his arm another tug from Karkat. He was pulled across the room to his bathing chambers, Karkat grabbing a towel and throwing it at him before glancing at the clock.

                “You’ve got a minute to wipe that sopor slime off of you, and then you have another minute to change. Your think pan has completely rusted over because of Roxy but you can’t let it get you fired too, shitsponge. We can talk about it, we just can’t be late to this fucking meeting, got it?” he earned a small sound of approval from Eridan as he began wiping himself off. Once he had finished, he was surprised to see Karkat had thrown all of his clothes together in a pile. “Hurry up,” he snapped, making his way to the door. “Get dressed. I’ll be in the hall. If you’re not out there in three minutes, I’ll come back in here and choke you with your own disemboweled entrails. You got that, Ampora?”

                “Yeah, yeah, I got it,” the other replied, shooing Karkat from the apartment. The troll leaned against the far side of the hall, wondering if something similar might one day happen to him as well. He quickly shook the thought from his head, dragging Eridan down the hall and out of the apartment once he was finished. Time to meet up with Gamzee, and he hoped to god that he had gotten something decent for them to drink. This was going to be a long day, wasn’t it?


End file.
